Weekend Playlist, November 4

I stopped the shuffle this week in a spot that made me kind of sad, it also made me understand some of my feelings this week and why they've been weighing so heavy on me. I'm not used to dealing with truly major problems alone. The first time I tried to do that I ended up seeing a psychologist for a few months. (Maybe a couple of sessions this week would've helped.)

Here are the last five songs from my library on shuffle:

Don’t Stop, Jon Batiste

Deep Cuts The Knife, Helix

Don’t Lie To Me, Barbara Streisand

One more day, Diamond Rio

Silent Lucidity, Queensryche

John and me at a New Year's party, I think I was about 19

Silent Lucidity was John’s favorite song by his favorite group. You see lots of kids in the video but the lyrics speak of giving strong quiet support and protection. John was like a big brother to me since we met when I was 15 years old. He was one of my closest friends and that unconditional support was always there. He considered me to be a strong person and a generous person, someone who always made sure no one was left behind. But the truth is, anything that is considered good about me couldn’t possibly compare to the man that John was.

I guess that song struck me right now because I really wish John was here. In October 2009, I lost the last person who could let me be worried, who could let me be weak and not feel like I was less of a person for being so human. I have a surgical procedure scheduled for tomorrow. This week has just been hell for me. My brain is tortured by nightmares because I’ve never had anesthesia for anything before, not good for the psyche of a control freak. And also for the last week I’ve not been allowed to use any of the vitamins or supplements that I take and I’m starting to feel the effect of some of those not being in my daily routine. There are vitamins and supplements that I take in lieu of advancing to drugs for some things and I’ve been cut off of some of the drugs that I take that keep some of the MS pain at bay. I’m pretty much miserable and scared. Mostly what I’ve heard from others have been things like, “don’t worry about it everything‘s gonna be fine,“ “suck it up buttercup, it’s just part of life,“ “just shut up already, it’s no big deal.“ people mean well when they tell me not to worry but I need someone to just listen, tell me they understand that I am afraid and comfort me, talk to me, make me laugh to divert the fear. John did that for me on more than one occasion.

Our last picture together at my wedding reception, July 2009

I need somebody to comfort me and quell the demons in my own brain but there’s no one left to do that for me. I miss my friend.

Medic!

Recipe for Mammo-Grahams at Apron Strings

First up was some good news for me. I got my mammogram a couple weeks ago and the very skinny envelope came in the mail once again saying that there were no apparent abnormalities. Yay! No matter what else happens that's negative I can say that I still have perfect blood sugar and perfect boobs. Even if the boobs aren't as great to look at as they used to be, they're still 50-year-old perfect!


Additional medical stuff that might give you a window into why I haven't blogged a lot or even read blogs a lot for a while, I had, and I'll add survived, my first non-dental surgical procedure done this past week. I did say a few blog posts ago there's been nothing that's life or death and I stand by that; it was outpatient surgery and not life-and-death. The big issue of it for me was that I've never had anything in the way of surgery that wasn't dental surgery. I had my wisdom teeth taken out at 18, all of them, and had extractions as a result of abscess teeth because my teeth are hereditarily chalky and don't hold crowns. But, yeah, in 50 years that's all the surgery I've ever had. So the thought of even an outpatient procedure was obsessively scary. It was done with sedation and local anesthetic but general anesthetic was a back up if that wasn't enough. It's the general anesthesia possibility that scared me. I don't think there's anything more anti-control freak than being knocked out so far it takes you a scattered while to come out of it. Thankfully, general anesthesia ended up not being necessary. So I've now had surgery but I've never been completely knocked out. That can stay that way as far as I'm concerned. The doctor ended up wanting to keep me overnight for observation. There was nothing wrong it really was just for observation and they pretty much came in and cleared me for going home Thursday morning. Of course at hospitals clearing you to go home in the morning at 9 o'clock means you actually get to go home about about three.

I prefer not to share anymore details about surgery, but suffice it to say it makes wheelchair living safer, easier and less painful.

I had a setback, but I'm slowly building myself back up with all the optimism I can muster!