We had snow today. Oh, it didn’t stick to the ground but it was cold and it just looked like I’m a ton of snow when you looked out the window. I’m not really complaining because there is still way more snow coming, falling and sticking on the East Coast. I’m sending Edna and everyone in New England good thoughts and prayers to keep warm, with power and let it melt quickly and stay gone! My selfish concern with the snow in Toledo today was that if it was going to snowing anyway I wanted it to gather around my crocuses and make them look tough for a photo.
Not looking tough but starting to thrive, here is the Sunday progress of the first crocus. It has three buds instead of one.
While I’m showing off pictures, this is my latest source of jealousy. Yesterday after I showered when I came downstairs Kaline was curled up on the couch with her daddy. As the sun was coming down David was sleeping on the couch and Kaline and Carla were both curled up with him. (And the setting sun light coming in the window was beautiful)
It’s not so awful except that Marco’s first choice is David and Carla’s first choice is David and Kaline’s first choice has always been me! I’ve been having some muscle spasms at night that prompt Kaline to jump off me and rest on David’s hip. I was afraid I was losing my baby and it was gonna leave me a catmom with no cats! I think, I hope, I found the right medications to take at night and not have leg spasms. It’s worked every night that I’ve taken my anti-spasticity medication and the minor narcotic for pain together. Last night when I fell asleep Kaline was on my hip again. So I think I can take the pictures of David and the cats again without feigning jealousy. :-)
I’m Just Not Feeling It Anymore
I was looking through some of my posts from the last quarter of 2013 to get a reference as to when I said I was going to see a therapist about my depression. I can’t locate that post but I’m sure I mentioned it on my blog. Anyway, I started feeling “not me” around this time last year. I couldn’t really identify it at first but the odd sensation kept growing. It wasn’t something new wrong physically but it was emotional, there was something inside me that wasn’t right.
I tried to shake it, tried to meditate, tried to sleep more and exercise as best I could but I couldn't get that odd feeling to go away. After my birthday I felt worse; it seemed like a huge weight was on my shoulders and it pressed down and just made everything a chore. And I was sad. Sometimes I would cry and have no idea why. Other times I would cry and it was something very small and insignificant and I didn’t feel like there was anything wrong with the fact that I was crying about it. Then I started realizing I was sad all the time even when I was smiling and laughing there was a strong sadness inside of me. I couldn’t fix me like I usually can and decided I needed some help.
When I was having problems when I was 16 I went to a counselor. After about four months of seeing the psychologist a couple of times a week things got better. And I thought that perhaps that could help again. I didn’t think it was an MS symptomatic chemical depression and my doctor suggested that I definitely wanted to see a psychologist and not a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists can prescribe drugs and he knew that would not make me happy.
So I met my psychologist in November to help me discover the source and relieve me of my “profound sadness.” A good counselor is not one who can “figure out what’s wrong with you” and fix it. A good psychologist knows what questions to ask to help you figure out what’s really wrong and fix it with you. Yes, a good friend can absolutely fit the bill if your problems are small and you can identify them. But when an optimist whose usually self-fixing when negative emotions come into play experiences the depression it’s a little more than a few emails or long phone call can fix.
Early last week I realized that for the first time in about a year I felt like me; the smile is real, the positive speech is real and my successful problem-solving is back. What I’m not feeling anymore is "sad." My next appointment with my counselor is in three weeks. My “homework” is to see if I can keep that dark emotional infection away on my own. Here’s hoping!
There are a few takeaways I want to share. First depression is one of those “invisible conditions.” People that seriously are depressed are not just in a bad mood and they can act incredibly happy and they can even speak happy words. If it was a mood it would pass but when you feel it deep inside and it doesn’t go away that's actual depression and you need help. Second if you’re feeling negative feelings inside DO NOT feel embarrassed or like there’s anything wrong with talking to someone who’s truly qualified to help you. Third, remember to be completely open and honest with the counselor helping you and listen the same way. Let yourself want be better and you can get there.
I'll also mention that the counseling I got as a teen was on an ability to pay basis and the counseling I'm getting now is covered by my insurance. Don't let money keep you away from help if you need it. Especially in the world of internet, there are many resources to help you find quality help you can afford. It may take some searching and a few phone calls to steer you in the right direction, but go that extra mile for yourself; YOU ARE WORTH IT.
